"Oh man, I think I'm going to marry this guy"

That's what I said after our first date.

(Author's note: Be warned - I am writing a long ass post. Not much time for editing now).

Four days earlier, I was at a farewell party for one on my best friends. She was about to start a study-abroad program in Argentina. Funny thing - that farewell party would have been mine as well if it wasn't for some paperwork snafu that prevented me from joining my friend... and most possibly from breaking my neck at one of her many tree climbing outings over there. Nope, no monkeying around for me, instead I had a date lined up for me the very next day.

Work was stressful that Friday, unlike the usual "Quasi-work-until-2p-and-then-read-some-gossip" Fridays from back then (I do long for those days sometimes). I got home, put on my alarm to prep for my date at 8p and passed out. Three hours later I wake up. I looked at my phone, it's on silent, I see I have missed calls and that it was half past 9pm! Shit, shit, shit! I panicked my way into the bathroom and answered a call from my friend J.

Him: Where you at?! Get your ass over here and do something 'cause we are all bored.
Me: What the hell are you talking about? ... and I am almost 2 hours late for my date.
Him: With who? That jerk who finagled a Hail Mary dinner date with you after being a JERK?!
Me: Hum, good point [Promptly removing the one high heel pump I managed to put on while on my hurried trek to the bathroom]. Where at?
Him: Where else on a Friday night? See you in 10?
Me: Fine. I look like shit though, so we are sticking to the dive bar theme.
Him: Oh, you are fine. See you soon.

I then called my date and told him that I am just really not interested anymore, but sorry that I didn't call earlier (I was sorry, even if he was a jerk). To give you an idea of how much of a jerk he was: one night after I decided to stop seeing him, I melodramatically looked up at the sky and said out loud "Fine, a nun it is!"

Sporting an orange top (never wore it again), blue jeans and my bed head, I head over to the dive bar. More like a grill-your-own-steak, dark old wood, red leather chairs, old but loud jukebox, strong drinks and funky smell kind of a place. I get there and I see about 10 people hanging out by the jukebox, 6 of them are my friends, and I just quickly smiled at the rest. Well, as J said, they all looked bored. I felt a strong responsibility to liven my friends' spirits and what else is best, but my favorite spirit - single malt scotch. I used to have an impressive alcohol tolerance, which is the politically correct term for being a drunk without getting drunk.

Naturally, I told J and J that if I drank both their freshly poured fancy fruity drinks one after another, only stopping once to start drinking the second glass, they would both drink three fingers of my preferred beverage in a matter of a minute. A deal was struck, and 10 seconds later, the entire group were cheering and faking puking noises as both of my friends struggled to drink their scotch (In our twenties, give us a break). Funny note, J and J eventually became scotch connoisseurs by the way - and I had plenty to do with it, ha. Anyway, I wasn't intentionally trying to get them drunk, but I knew that the adrenaline coupled with a few Prince classics from the jukebox was going to get us all in the right mood. I was also proudly at my goofiest, so I had that going for me, which is nice.

Back to the purpose of this blog - will try to keep the commentary short:

A trip to the second bar later, I notice that one of those 4 people hanging out with us is someone I do know, although not very well. She comes over with a man, an attractive one I quickly gather (although the thought was more like "Uh, hot!, but ignore, they're probably together"). She says hi and introduces me to her ex's roommate, FH (stands for my Future Husband). She then goes on to say that she wishes she would've introduced us earlier as we both have lots in common, and she thinks that we would make a great couple. Yeah, she said that to our faces.

She started to make sense as she, without pause, started to list compatibilities we shared: love for muscle cars, heavy metal music, off-roading, art museums and long walks on the beach. OK, I just inserted the last one right now, but who doesn't love long walks on the beach, right? We talked about everything and anything as we continued on to the after 2am hookah bar. A few guys joined the group and were trying to talk to me too. Pretty girls that don't pay special attention to men usually tend to turn hotter and sexier to them... or so I've gathered. I was paying attention to FH, but not in a flirty way. After the jerk I had recently dated, I was not about to try to put on my best face here. I thought that if this guy really liked me, then he should know me like my friends do, and he better work for it.

As my guy friends, him and I started walking to our trucks, I made it a point to stay close to my friends. If he wanted my number, he would've asked me already or he should then ask me in front of them. If he would've gotten my number through a friend, I would have promptly ignored his call. I wasn't taking any prisoners (Hum, I don't think I used that expression correctly, oh well). As we neared my truck, he showed me that he had no fear of being turned down in front of people. He asked me if I would go on a date with him and to give him my phone number. My friends looked at him awkwardly. I smiled, said my number and got in my truck.

"If he doesn't call me until after three days, like the supposed "rule" people talk about, I am not going to answer his call. That rule is stupid," I said to my friend M the next morning. Well, a few minutes later he calls me. He asked me to meet him in Coronado on Sunday at 6pm, and I said "OK, I'll see you at the Ferry Landing." No more doubts - he is a man that goes out for what he wants. I looked at M and smiled, "M, I've a feeling we are not in douchebag-dating-world, I mean Kansas, anymore." I know, not so funny now, but was hilarious at the time. You had to be there.

Wake up Sunday and I look effortlessly beautiful - I love those days. By 6pm I was sitting by the sand. Perfect weather, kids running around, puppies playing next to me and there's happy people all around. I see him walk towards me. He looks so handsome with that huge smile on his face, a white crisp oxford shirt and tan short trousers.

We talked, walked around, had food, ice cream and I showed him my favorite gallery. We admired these three Koi fish acrylics by Terry Gilecki for a while. There was something very special about them*. We got to see the sunset sky while sharing stories of each other's past and our plans for the future. Yes, some of those "Don't ask until a-few-months-of-dating" questions. FH mentioned (OK, I asked him) that he wasn't really planning to get married until he was in his mid thirties**. That would be OK in my book, except that he thought that getting married meant having kids right away. I remember telling him that I would like to be married for a while before even thinking about having kids. We then talked about our careers (he just said he worked for the Navy) and places we would love to visit. Back to more normal date talk, ha.

Heavy topics aside, time was flying by. We were enjoying our silent moments just as much as the rest. As the night fell, a huge full moon by the Coronado bridge decided to join us. The night couldn't be any better, or so I thought. Impressive fire works started right across the bay and I looked at him and I remember saying "Can you believe this night?"

We started walking towards my truck when we see a group of people sitting down in front of this small stage. We got curious and stopped for a bit. Next we know, Hawaiian Hula dancers come to the stage and start dancing. Followed by a fire poi dance, of course. I thanked him for setting all of that up for our date - we laughed about it. We spoke about how at the end, the perfect weather, full moon, fireworks, puppies, and fire balls aside, we truly enjoyed spending time with each other. We hugged for a few seconds as we subtlety breathed deeply. I couldn't stop smiling. He kissed me on the cheek, looked at me with a huge smile and I waved goodbye.

As I was driving over the bridge, my friend M called***. She asked "So, how did it go?!", I said "Oh man, I think I'm going to marry this guy."

Four months later, I did.


* He went two days later and bought the three paintings.
** Ha, last I checked he was NOT in his mid thirties when we got married - four months after this date. He is still not in his mid thirties.
*** Bluetooth!, I am usually a responsible driver.

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Dear Reader: I recommend reading my blog from the beginning as life for me has changed plenty (unlike this post, the rest are in chronological order), and you may be interested more on my initial posts.

Dating After a Broken Relationship

This post is in response to a comment from Rowan, a reader:

Rowan, I'm sorry to hear about your divorce, especially after having a son together. I am glad that my blog helped in any way possible. Your choice of word "lies" is very refreshing to me. My ex's lies hurt me more deeply than his cheating. You obviously feel the same.

Dating after my broken relationship was very interesting for me as I was not necessarily looking to date. Women can have various reasons for going back into the dating world after a divorce: Just for fun and sex, or the hope to find fun and great sex along with someone you can find yourself falling in love with (my writing is clearly not at its best). I am a believer that even if all you want is fun and sex without love, you should go back into dating after you've put some work on yourself first.

I'll tell you what I did, although somewhat unplanned, which I believe helped me prepare to date again.

First, I had to understand that as strong as I believe myself to be, I was undeniably hurt and went through a traumatic experience, thus I needed to work on myself and heal. You've got to realize that whether you notice it or not, your confidence has taken a big hit.

Although I kept close friendships as a married woman, I did get closer to a best friend of mine that was there for me throughout this heartache. Now this is someone that I've never had to hold back with - he is the most patient, understanding and insightful friend of mine.

I may not be making a lot of sense right now, but bear with me. My best friend truly listened to me, he also told me to shut up when I was being stupid or talking like a broken record, but most importantly he allowed me to be myself - even when I was going through a mini-identity crisis. He helped me stay true to myself in such a hard period of time. He showed me with his actions and words how amazing and loyal a person can be, and he also helped me pay attention to what a true friendship really is. I will always be indebted to him and I hope I've made it clear to him how important he is in my life. He's one of two friends that know I write this blog.

The friendship lost in a marriage gone bad is what I consider being the biggest loss in a divorce. What I recommend to you is to surround yourself with close friends that love you for who you are even if at moments you are not so sure who that is.

The third piece of advise is to reconnect yourself with your sexuality and femininity. The feelings of rejection and thoughts of having not been good enough can transpire in many ways - I think that this is something that others can feel about you even when you try to hide it. I started to dress and undress for me, went on long romantic walks with myself, danced goofily around my house, listened to songs that lift me, cried over formulaic Lifetime movies, and conscientiously carried myself as someone that have nothing to hide, nothing to apologize for and everything to gain. This does sound a bit crazy, but seriously, nothing gives you more confidence than loving who you are and how you look to yourself. Many people will tell you to do this, but it is the HOW that is sometimes hard to explain. At the end you'll have to find what works for you.

Self-confidence will attract suitors in the most unsuspecting ways and places. You won't have to look for it, yet you will see it because you know you are worth being noticed that way.

I know that this is not necessarily the answer you were looking for, and I may be way off. However, when I was face to face with my current boyfriend (an old friend), I had no doubt in my mind that he would fall in love with me and that his friendship combined with our attraction was exactly what I wanted.

Now to your question: How another man feels about you having a SEAL for an ex may only help show you more about them. Being "weirded" out can mean lots of things. I found that some men are just curious due to the stereotype tied to that lauded minority. It's as if you've found out that he had dated a woman CEO of a Fortune 500 company or a pilot. If their reaction seemed negative, it could be due to a strong sense of insecurity or being judgmental - some people have commented to others that I must've been stupid to assume that my ex was going to be faithful due to his job. If you sense weirdness from someone again, just ask them and then you may know why or if that even matters. 

Wow, have I moved on or what?!

I have been a horrible blogger! There, I said it. I don't get me sometimes - I love writing, yet I stop writing for a long time. I wanted to write to give an update on how things are going lately for me.

First, I am still in the divorce process. My soon to be ex has been a man of his word just like I am of mine. It wasn't easy, especially for him. Being deployed and getting advice from others was tough. I bet every single person that gave their advice had their best intentions, and also a good informal statistical assessment of how screwed up divorce is, especially in the very common military marriage graveyard. However - and forget my failure to stay focused here (long, long week!) - not every divorce process has to be so painful, full of distrust and unfairness. We kept communicating and ensuring each other, by word and action, that we were going to honor the years of friendship and love that we had for each other by working together and fairly throughout the divorce.

Second, we would like to become friends some time in the future. Even if we never do again, we wanted to remember us for how we were able to work together at the end, how in some way we were able to show that we care for each other and regain some honor from the time we spent together.

Third, and in another topic - I moved! Although I think I had mentioned it before, ha. I am really loving the new city I live in. I have also gotten to travel to very fun places due to my job and have tried a few things I have never tried before... like a 5k. Don't laugh at me. OK fine, go for it. I have never liked running, but an opportunity showed up and as apocalyptic as it sounds, I do think that a human should at least be able to run 3 miles in case you've got to run from a twister, a tsunami, a rapist or even a rabid dog. And so I did it!

Fourth, not everything is so peachy and rosy in my life, but then who that is not in denial truly is. I have some problems with one of my dogs showing aggressive signs, I've been dealing with feelings of inadequacy at work once in a while, struggling with my work/life/school balance and challenges in keeping up with my friendships.The first one is the toughest one. I love my dog, but I cannot be blind or not take further action. Like in many other things, we don't always have the answer or the ability to fix a problem and getting help is the best thing to do. I'm planning on enrolling him in a recovery program for aggressive dogs and I am hoping for the best. Wish me luck!

Fifth, and this is the best update! I have a boyfriend and I am very happy. Love has hit me again... and hard. A friend of many years, someone that I, at some points in my life, and in a matter of minutes (apologize for all the comas), looked at and thought of how great we could be together. Minutes later, OK maybe days... and one time maybe months later, I got back into only seeing him as a close friend. Well close friends we still are, but now we are much more. It is like I wrote earlier in my "Moving On" post - I am now full of emotions, inconsistencies, irrationalities, have increased my goofiness, and on the other end I am still very much pragmatic, patient and collected. Although I do sometimes fear that all of that could drive someone away, I have also realized that it can very much bring someone as close to me as nobody ever has. Disclaimer: This is not a license to not improve on myself. It is an internal permission to allow me to manifest emotions, actions and thoughts that I didn't even know I had in me; choose some not-so-nice ones to work on and celebrate the ones that make me feel happy and more alive.

Whew, I really got all introspective and "look at me I've gained some wisdom...I think" on you, but I think that what all those words really say is that I am a very happy woman.