Dating After a Broken Relationship

This post is in response to a comment from Rowan, a reader:

Rowan, I'm sorry to hear about your divorce, especially after having a son together. I am glad that my blog helped in any way possible. Your choice of word "lies" is very refreshing to me. My ex's lies hurt me more deeply than his cheating. You obviously feel the same.

Dating after my broken relationship was very interesting for me as I was not necessarily looking to date. Women can have various reasons for going back into the dating world after a divorce: Just for fun and sex, or the hope to find fun and great sex along with someone you can find yourself falling in love with (my writing is clearly not at its best). I am a believer that even if all you want is fun and sex without love, you should go back into dating after you've put some work on yourself first.

I'll tell you what I did, although somewhat unplanned, which I believe helped me prepare to date again.

First, I had to understand that as strong as I believe myself to be, I was undeniably hurt and went through a traumatic experience, thus I needed to work on myself and heal. You've got to realize that whether you notice it or not, your confidence has taken a big hit.

Although I kept close friendships as a married woman, I did get closer to a best friend of mine that was there for me throughout this heartache. Now this is someone that I've never had to hold back with - he is the most patient, understanding and insightful friend of mine.

I may not be making a lot of sense right now, but bear with me. My best friend truly listened to me, he also told me to shut up when I was being stupid or talking like a broken record, but most importantly he allowed me to be myself - even when I was going through a mini-identity crisis. He helped me stay true to myself in such a hard period of time. He showed me with his actions and words how amazing and loyal a person can be, and he also helped me pay attention to what a true friendship really is. I will always be indebted to him and I hope I've made it clear to him how important he is in my life. He's one of two friends that know I write this blog.

The friendship lost in a marriage gone bad is what I consider being the biggest loss in a divorce. What I recommend to you is to surround yourself with close friends that love you for who you are even if at moments you are not so sure who that is.

The third piece of advise is to reconnect yourself with your sexuality and femininity. The feelings of rejection and thoughts of having not been good enough can transpire in many ways - I think that this is something that others can feel about you even when you try to hide it. I started to dress and undress for me, went on long romantic walks with myself, danced goofily around my house, listened to songs that lift me, cried over formulaic Lifetime movies, and conscientiously carried myself as someone that have nothing to hide, nothing to apologize for and everything to gain. This does sound a bit crazy, but seriously, nothing gives you more confidence than loving who you are and how you look to yourself. Many people will tell you to do this, but it is the HOW that is sometimes hard to explain. At the end you'll have to find what works for you.

Self-confidence will attract suitors in the most unsuspecting ways and places. You won't have to look for it, yet you will see it because you know you are worth being noticed that way.

I know that this is not necessarily the answer you were looking for, and I may be way off. However, when I was face to face with my current boyfriend (an old friend), I had no doubt in my mind that he would fall in love with me and that his friendship combined with our attraction was exactly what I wanted.

Now to your question: How another man feels about you having a SEAL for an ex may only help show you more about them. Being "weirded" out can mean lots of things. I found that some men are just curious due to the stereotype tied to that lauded minority. It's as if you've found out that he had dated a woman CEO of a Fortune 500 company or a pilot. If their reaction seemed negative, it could be due to a strong sense of insecurity or being judgmental - some people have commented to others that I must've been stupid to assume that my ex was going to be faithful due to his job. If you sense weirdness from someone again, just ask them and then you may know why or if that even matters.