I've been MIA for a little while and it doesn't feel good. I apologize for not replying to the lovely comments I have gotten in the last few months. I read them as they came and they really made my day. I thank you for sharing parts of your life with me. I will write back soon.
Things are a bit difficult for me right now and am trying to figure some things out. I have so much to say, and hopefully soon I will be able to post a lot of that.
My husband has been deployed for about a month now. We haven't been able to be in touch as much as I'd like, and so it is difficult to have meaningful conversations aside from "Are all the bills taken care of? Did you run the cars this week? and How's work?" After the issues that we had early this year, we decided to work really hard in our marriage. We've had very good times, times that make me feel that we are stronger than ever, and bad times, times that make me re-think the longevity of our marriage. Not saying anything groundbreaking, but communication is key in a relationship, especially when your marriage is in trouble. Unfortunately, a deployment doesn't make this any easier.
We both agree in that our focus right now is to ensure that he stays safe and emotionally stable. We will both do our best and stay as close in thought to each other as possible. I will continue to use this time to figure things out for myself. We have no rush in making a decision about our marriage.
I really wish that my worries were about anything else, but if that were the case, I wouldn't be the person that I am now... and I like myself very much.
We all have rough patches but you know what's worth fighting for and what isnt. Keep the faith and stay strong girl!!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you and the struggle that you are working through. As much as your husband may want to be with you at home.... communicating and working with you on strengthening your marriage....he doesn't have the immediate choice. In many of the books I have been reading about dealing with deployment and family challenges within the 'special forces' communities.....they all mention a period of resentment. I can see myself falling into short periods of that 'unintentional dark hole' raising two toddlers and a newborn while my hubby is gone. I am preparing by trying to remind myself that as much as I need him, and our kids need him, he is making an extremely unselfish sacrifice. As much as you and I realize that SEALS are just regular guys.....they have an extraordinary god-given level of mental toughness and physical capability that puts them within 'a fraction of one percent' of the people on earth. I obviously don't know the specific issues that you are dealing with....but you are married to a man who won't easily give up. Look within your heart and find your inner strength, do the fun things that you talked about a few months ago on you blog that bring you joy and focus on all the wonderful blessings you have. It is the middle of the night, I can't sleep and I am hoping my phone rings as I type this. I will need the strength soon.... -Nicole
ReplyDeleteI want to say before anything else that I have the utmost respect for you. I just read every single blog you've written, and I feel like I know you and we would probably get along very well!
ReplyDeleteI met my current boyfriend who is going into the navy to try to be a SEAL in February (with the full knowledge that he would eventually be leaving), and I fell in love with him very quickly...as did he with me. We were supposed to have the summer together (leave for boot camp in August), but then he found out on May 3rd that he was leaving on May 14th. When he told me it was not good. Yesterday was my last day with him before today (he's leaving) and when I got home (still live with my parents) I was unconsolable.
He has made it clear that he wants to be with me, marry me, and he wants me to come to San Diego with him. I am a New Yorker...my family is here and all my friends live on the east coast, so I would be leaving a lot behind and as you know very well, making a very big sacrifice. I am also 23 and trying to build a career at the moment, but building a family and a life with someone I love is very important to me as well.
The reason I'm telling you this story is because I guess I need to, just like you write your blog. I also want to ask if you have any advice for me? Not just how to deal with being away from him, because you know it's going to be more complicated than that. If we stay together even after boot camp were going to have a long distance relationship through BUDS...right now it wouldn't be financially possible for me to move out there, especially since were not married.
I know no one could possibly have the right answer for me or really tell me what I should do...but I think hearing from someone who is living a life I am considering would help me with my decision making. I am in love with him and he is my best friend...so it's like having to choose between being miserable or miserable...it's going to be hard either way. I don't yet know that I am strong enough to live that life, or if I want to which is hard to come to terms with. It's not him I don't want..it's the fear that I won't survive him being away all the time, that I won't stay the person he fell in love with.
I hope this is not overwhelming, or seems silly compared to what you're going through with your marriage. I just need all the information I can get, and from what I have read you seem very level headed, and you are able to communicate your thoughts and feelings very well, and in such a way that I want to keep reading. You are a great writer!
I wish you all the luck in the world, and I cannot imagine what you are going through but I send my love...even though we've never met!
This is in response to the last anonymous post:
ReplyDeleteMoving across the country and changing your life for the hope that your relationship will flourish is a difficult, but brave thing to do. I can definitely not tell you what to do, but I can at least provide you with some suggestions.
I am definitely going through a lot in my marriage right now, however, what I have to consider is only (and hugely) that, my marriage. Growing up in a family in which my mother felt completely disabled to leave an abusive marriage led me to ensure that I would never (at least if it was under my control) have to force myself into staying in a relationship due to lack of income, fear or lack of confidence. I am a very independent woman. I have a great career and although my spending ability won't be the same, I know that if his marriage ends, I will be able to sustain myself. I also know that feeling completely alone won't be a problem as I have a close group of friends and family members. That won't remove the feeling of loneliness that comes from losing the person you had chosen as your partner in life, but it will help you stay grounded and focused about what is best for you.
You will both have a lot of challenges ahead if you do decide to move. One of my mistakes was to assume that I didn't have to work harder when we were away from each other and that things would pick up right where we left them. That did not happen. I would highly recommend that if you do move, that you both go to couples counseling. Don't get discouraged if you didn't like the first few visits, you may just need to find someone that can help you both. Try the FOCUS program, which is accessible to couples that are also not married.
You have more insight than I did when I got into this marriage. I did not consider us being away so much a risk because I knew I could survive it. However, I didn't see it past that, I didn't see that it is not about "I" but "US" as well. I didn't even think of your second fear (of not staying the person that he fell in love). I don't think that you have to be the same person, but you do have to grow together and become the people that you want to be without losing each other. My husband and I did, but that is not the case for everyone. As you can see, reason comes easy to me, but not feelings. Listen to your intuition, your feelings and your thoughts. Don't discard any.
Please post back whenever. I am at a better place now and will be writing a ton soon. There may also be other SEAL wives that would want to give you advice and I hope that they use my blog as a forum for that.
Thank you so much for your comment, it really means a lot to me.
Thank you, and you are welcome :)
DeleteI have to say I am in a better place (still difficult) than I was before too. It's been 3 weeks now since he has left and I still cry from time to time, but I think I have a much better handle on what I need to do, or want to do. I am going to see him graduate, and I know that is going to be super emotional. It's going to suck seeing him for a day, maybe more and then being apart again, but I still get to see him...period.
However, like you, I am VERY keen on making sure I can always support myself. My parents have not had the best relationship, and something I can't agree more with is that I want for myself is the ability to be financially independent. As I said before I just started a new job, and a very good one and I"m finally making decent money for myself. I know that it would be a mistake not to give this a few years, especially if it can help pay off some of my debt from undergrad and help pay for grad school if I want to go back (which I do). If I can do this job in NY, I can do it anywhere. This would probably be my income if I so choose to move out there.
So...I think what I have figured out so far is that I am going to give it my best shot. I don't know yet if it's going to work, but I am willing to really try. I think I could survive the life, but, as I think you were getting at, it might take me some time to decide if that life is for me and if I feel that he is worth it. He is an incredible man, but like you said the distance after only having been together 3 months before he left will be a challenge, and we are going to have to build the rest of our relationship off of it. Or at least for the next year or so (BUDS). He said before he left when we were looking at his BUDS schedule, "I'll be fine", and I was just sitting there feeling the knots grow in my stomach. So...yeah I think this one is really on me.
Also...get ready for this one...even though I have an amazing group of girlfriends...I have found that two of my closest ones are not supportive of this relationship. Just the other night I was out, and I excused myself to go outside because I needed a minute. I felt a wave of tears come on and I didn't try to stop it. My friend came outside and proceeded to tell me that I need to break up with him, it's making me miserable, and that she will not support it. But as I'm sure you already know, I KNOW she has no idea what she's talking about and could not possibly understand where I'm coming from. Why are people so full of ****. I know why she said it...she sees I'm hurting and she wants to take away the pain as quickly as possible, but it's never that simple.
I am not one to half-ass anything, and that is why I am writing to you, and doing all of this research and putting myself through this pain.
One last thing, do you or anyone else have any good suggestions as to a gift I could get for him for his graduation from bootcamp?? His friends already got him a really nice knife so that's not an option.
As always...I admire you for your strength and independence and I am so thankful that you are writing this blog, and for your response. Every piece of advice or knowledge I get about this brings me that much closer to having an answer to my current life question, which is a big one. I know in the end it is my decision and I need to follow what I know is right, but for now I really don't know the answer. So, I will continue to fight the battle and hopefully write back and forth with you!
PS: my name is Nicole too!
Hi Nicole,
DeleteI was just reading your posts and I almost felt like I was the one who wrote them. My name is Kristina and my boyfriend for 4 years is also in bootcamp right now, and it seems that both our boyfriends left at the same time which means it is possible that they are in the same group. I also am from NY, born and raised in Williamsburg Brooklyn, and currently still live with my parents. I'm 21 just graduated college and am experiencing very similar things and have many of the same questions you do. I would love to talk to you more if you are willing. If so I would love for you to email me at kdobosz1990@gmail.com, maybe we can meet up and share what we are going through.
Best,
Kristina
Hi Nicole,
DeleteI was going to say to get him a knife, haha, although one thing I have learned is that they can't ever get enough. I would say that if he likes watches, it would be nice to get him one with an engraving in the back marking the occasion.
Hi Nicole,
ReplyDeleteI've got to say that I truly admire you, the strength in your voice and the vulnerability too. I can't imagine how my life would be if I had kids right now. You are completely right in that our husbands are doing something completely selfless. I constantly get communication from him letting me know a bit of what he is doing (the non-confidential stuff) and I continue to be amazed at his resiliency. I'll be posting an update soon about everything that has been going on and where we are now. I really thank you for your kind words and the fire that you share, I'm telling you, it is contagious.
Dear SEAL wife or any other SEAL wives who can enlighten,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you're going through some difficult times. I hope that things get better for you and your husband. I am curious about what it's like when he returns, specifically, how and if you are able to pick things up right where they left off. I imagine living life independently without him around (especially with kids) is one thing, but when he returns, it is strange or a difficult transition?
I also want to add that married life for even those of us who aren't married to SEALs can become bogged down in routine and responsibility if you don't really work hard at keeping it romantic.
Best of luck to all of you and I enjoy reading your blog and stories.
I have found that my husband doesn't jump into routine successfully as fast as I'd like. He will try by watching the kids on his first day back but I see the stress it can cause. The men may need a few days to decompress and get used to not being wherever they were and get back in family mode. When they are home they are family men, when they are gone they are teamguys. It seems it is a difficult task juggling the two.
ReplyDeleteThis comment was really helpful, thank you. I wish I could hear more from military wives about what they are like with the kids when they return from deployment.
DeleteWow! You are amazing women. And I thought it was hard being married to a doctor, since they are gone so much with the long hours. Felt like a single mom raising our kids, but to hear your stories really encourages me. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteHi - my kind-of ex-boyfriend showed me your blog. Thank you for writing on such a needed topic.
ReplyDeleteOur story's a bit complicated (we're taking a break right now because I need to figure out if I could handle the Navy/SEAL wife lifestyle...).
He's joining the Navy soon and wants to get into BUD/s as soon as possible. I know the training is incredibly tough, but I know he can do it.
Anyway, I love him very much, but I've read far more negative/sobering stuff than positive about being a SEAL wife. He basically told me he'd love it if we could have a life and a family together, but that if I couldn't handle it, he would respect that. Is there any way to know if this is something I could do? I want a happy life and a happy marriage. I want any future kids of mine to have a father who is present in their lives.
I feel torn in two because I want him, but his career choice makes it so hard for me to say "yes" to a life with him. I want to support him and his dream, but most of the time, I just break down crying when I think about it.
I can handle being away from him even though it's really hard (we've had plenty of long distance relationship already), but I'm most afraid that the training will change him (in a bad way) or that he'll be injured or killed somehow. I know I sound all doom and gloom, but I'm really struggling. Do you have any advice?
- Lauren
Hi Lauren,
DeleteIf you read my latest post, you'll realize that this blog turned a bit more on the negative side. It is important that you do realize the possibilities of being married to someone in the military and I'm glad that you are looking for information. There is so much to consider and I'm sure that at this point you know of the many challenges. There are also a lot of pluses for being married to a Navy SEAL. There is a sense of pride in all of us, the knowledge that your husband is doing something that he loves for a living, the assurance that he is being trained by the best and is given the best equipment to perform his job and stay safe, plus all the military benefits.
Marriage is not easy regardless of whether your husband is a Navy SEAL or not. Anyone can tell you that. Having a happy marriage is a lot of work, and the truth is that a military marriage is even more work. That doesn't mean that it isn't possible and that a military marriage cannot be rewarding.
I can see that the reason why you are writing is because you believe that love is not enough to have a happy marriage. It is hard to give any advice, but probably the best I can give is to be honest with yourself about what you want, what you are willing to compromise without blame, whether you are ready stable enough in your life to make such an important decision, and the strength of your relationship and love for each other. Couples therapy (or by yourself) may help you figure that out. Don't be afraid, it is a really big step in your life and it is worth considering professional help.
Not to be vague but if you have to ask yourself if you can handle it or not then you cant... this life as a seal wife is hard! Harder then you can imagine it takes two people who love each other who have a strong bond and strong personality's and trust to get through a marriage in the seals. From my personal experience I have never once doubted that i could handle it as a wife to a seal. For example compare it to BUD/s (the women who where married while there husbands went through buds will get this) If your husband had doubt and had to go back and fourth on his decision he probably ended up ringing out. If your husband made his decision that he would never quit no matter what then he probably made it through. i feel like it is the same way for the wives. i am going through a deployment right now and we already lost a good buddy we have a toddler and I'm starting my own business i have all this on my plate and never once thought about if i could take it or not. My husband will brag about how strong i am but ill tell you what because of my strength he is an amazing SEAL father and husband. i am not at all calling your bluff I'm just giving you in site so you can make your decision off of that. These men get hurt training or even killed when there mind isn't all there at work if there worried about home life. a strong wife can push aside problems and have patients to resolve them once they return safely. A strong wife will be confidant and secure in the marriage and in her herself. these are all things that make it work needy Nagy insecure wife's will ring out faster then the first guy who rings out in hell week. love you girls I'm know im being blunt but you should be used to this sort of attitude anyway!
DeleteHello I just wanted to say I love the fact your so real! And blunt. I am a girlfriend if a swcc man. I understand the trials and struggles and heart ache of moments of him being gone. I do have to ask we of course are not married and I want to be, do you have any advice for me? I know that I love him so much and have the utmost respect for the choice he has made. He has told me' he was born for this' and I agree I couldn't see a more stronger man than him to do it!
Deleteit is nice reading this blog...it is very insightful. I live in Asia but I have a friend who just joined DEVGRU so this article is indeed interesting.:-)
ReplyDelete