Here I am, midnight and restless. For the first time in my marriage of 8 months I am a tid bit insecure of my husband. GOD! Insecurity, what a horrible word, especially for a military wife. Let me tell you a little bit about how our dynamic is when we are apart: We are both rightfully allowed to go out with groups of friends, anytime, any day because we trust each other 100%. This was never discussed, we just knew that the type of relationship we were starting was the type that was based on full trust (not to be confused with denial). What I am feeling right now is a feeling I haven't felt since a couple of years before I met my husband. I met him almost one year ago. This feeling was ever present in my last and only long-term relationship and man was I right.
Tonight I went with my best friend to see a movie and on my way home my husband calls, I answer happily yet no one is answering back. All I hear was voices of people laughing including his. Of course some of those voices belonged to girls, thus the start of this stupid insecurity. I called him back and nothing, I texted asking him to call me and nothing. It's 3:30am his time (his first call was at 2:30am) and nothing yet. We've both gone out plenty without each other and if we don't call each other afterwards it's never a big deal, it never even crosses my mind to note the fact that he didn't. Yet tonight it's different, and I feel so guilty to even fathom the thought that he could be unfaithful. I know there isn't a man out there that's perfect, but my husband is very close.
I've never lied to my husband (although I'm sure a tiny white lie might have slipped at some point), so now I am dreading the fact that I will have to tell my husband that I felt insecure of him for the first time ever. As human as insecurity might be, I don't want it meddling with my marriage. Go Away. What happens after it comes uninvited for the first time? Does it leave to never come back, or will it pay future visits? The answer, I hope ,is that I'll never see her again.
Boy, SEAL wife, your blog in is interesting (and well written) and raw. Makes me realize what I quiet and peaceful life I have led. (And also, not ever being a "wife" myself, it lets me in on the experience of being "the other.") I will try to keep up with your ramblings as much as I can, given that I try to write and post on new films daily. I hope your relationship works out well for both of you, and I hope your husband is able to figure out that he has in his hands a treasure worth keeping and helping grow.
ReplyDeleteThank you, James. I have so much to write within the next few months. I honestly did not think that anyone would be interested in reading my ramblings, but I am very glad that you did. I have already gone through our first deployment together, so there's plenty for me to share. I really enjoy reading your blog, and I thank you for being so diligent!
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