The Hardest Three Firsts

It's been months since he last had to fly somewhere because of work. We were actually very lucky in how things turned out this year. He was scheduled to deploy a few months ago, but a week prior to the tentative date (everything is always tentative until the plane takes off) his deployment got postponed indefinitely.

The first taste of our time apart will be short in time (a few weeks), but soon after that we are looking at an actual deployment (although this time it's shorter than usual, wohoo!). Spending time apart doesn't have to be a bad thing, and it isn't most of the times (I'm speaking as a woman with no kids). It really is what you make of it. A good attitude and a plan do make a difference. There are tons of things to do when he is gone that I normally don't get to do as much when he is around:

- Hanging out with my girlfriends more frequently.
- Not showering or having to shave my legs every day.
- Getting to wear my big ugly panties with no qualms about it.
- Watching Wicker Park for the 100th time (that was me yesterday night).
- More reading time.
- Dedicated painting time.
- Geeking out for hours on end.
- AND, I get to shop and come back home without grouping some of the bags to make it look less expensive (although my husband has never balked at my shopping talents).

This is all fine and dandy, but there are three things that are tough every time he leaves; without fail. The best thing I can do is to face them head on and prepare for them:

The first night without him, the first morning waking up alone, and the first time I come home from work to a house missing a husband.

As much as I try, I just can't truly feel happy during these days, so I figured why not enjoy the sadness? I plan it all out. I already know I won't be able to sleep until two or three in the morning, so I pick an easy-to-read book, a few girly or car chase movies (Death Proof is a rare and amazing find), and various snacks to choose from. When I go to sleep, I usually allow the dogs to sleep in bed with me (only the first night), make sure the gun is loaded and ready to go (and I definitely know how to use it), and put on Bjork's greatest hits.

To help the disorientation in the morning, I normally place a pillow or a folded blanket on his side of the bed. Yes, this is a bit weird, but it's mostly so that when I wake up I don't see an empty space next to me.

Coming home from work to a house missing a husband is something that I had not been able to find a way around... that is until recently. If it is possible, I work from home or take the day off. In that way, there is no leaving and no arriving home. Yes, the next day I usually do have to get out of the house, but by then I am doing a lot better.

It does get easier when the trips are more frequent. That is because it gives me time to get into that mindset. I do wonder how other spouses or live-in girlfriends deal with these three firsts. I also wonder what girlfriends go through.

Now that these three firsts have passed, I have done 6 of the fun things I listed above. Oh yeah, and I am only getting started.

A Little Taste of What is to Never Come Again (I hope)

Here I am, midnight and restless. For the first time in my marriage of 8 months I am a tid bit insecure of my husband. GOD! Insecurity, what a horrible word, especially for a military wife. Let me tell you a little bit about how our dynamic is when we are apart: We are both rightfully allowed to go out with groups of friends, anytime, any day because we trust each other 100%. This was never discussed, we just knew that the type of relationship we were starting was the type that was based on full trust (not to be confused with denial). What I am feeling right now is a feeling I haven't felt since a couple of years before I met my husband. I met him almost one year ago. This feeling was ever present in my last and only long-term relationship and man was I right.

Tonight I went with my best friend to see a movie and on my way home my husband calls, I answer happily yet no one is answering back. All I hear was voices of people laughing including his. Of course some of those voices belonged to girls, thus the start of this stupid insecurity. I called him back and nothing, I texted asking him to call me and nothing. It's 3:30am his time (his first call was at 2:30am) and nothing yet. We've both gone out plenty without each other and if we don't call each other afterwards it's never a big deal, it never even crosses my mind to note the fact that he didn't. Yet tonight it's different, and I feel so guilty to even fathom the thought that he could be unfaithful. I know there isn't a man out there that's perfect, but my husband is very close.

I've never lied to my husband (although I'm sure a tiny white lie might have slipped at some point), so now I am dreading the fact that I will have to tell my husband that I felt insecure of him for the first time ever. As human as insecurity might be, I don't want it meddling with my marriage. Go Away. What happens after it comes uninvited for the first time? Does it leave to never come back, or will it pay future visits? The answer, I hope ,is that I'll never see her again.