When 5 months feel like 2 years

My title is putting it lightly, but I guess I should start by setting the scenario. Rewind back to the beginning of last year: Husband went on a 4 month training trip that I wrote about in an earlier post. Soon after he came back, he had to go to a 2 month training that took him to 3 or 4 states and no visits allowed. He was then home for 1 month and then gone for one more (I bet you are confused by now). In one year, not counting the one week trainings, he was gone for a total of 7 or 8 months - longer than his recent deployment overseas. See, the only, although very important difference, is that they are not in real harms way (well, mostly and as far as I know). Even if he is not in true danger, this does not remove the fact that he is still away from home and from me.

I was naive to believe that we were both equally strong (What does this even mean?), that we are dealing with similar level of stress, and that all that time spent separated would not be a big challenge for us. I kept thinking that he could deal with his stress on his own and with the little help I could provide via emails, text messages and phone calls (nothing tragic happened, in case you think I'm going there). The truth is that he was not able to do it without resorting to self-destructive behavior: drinking, emotionally shutting down and pretending to be someone else. Sad to say, unbeknown us, we were becoming a very typical military marriage story. Another statistic of a failed marriage in the Navy SEALs community.

Since there is plenty for me to write, more than enough to fill in the space between August and now, let me tell you where we are right now: together, attending a program called FOCUS, and trying to make our marriage work. The following posts won't be a chronicle of sob stories, but a mix of good and bad moments, reflections, information for other new Navy SEAL spouses and random musings.

A non-deployment deployment (uh?) and the frightening second month.

I am truly useless at work right now, I have neglected my blog for way too long and for that reason I am feeling guilty. My husband has been in Washington state, training, for the last 3 months. After he arrived from deployment late last year, he spent most of his time at home. I was getting used to waking up to him (which I love), cooking for two (which I love), having lots of sex (which I really love), and having to shower everyday (which I am not too fond of). Four months later: I wake up alone, still cook for two as my tummy can attest to, have had rationed sex (visited my husband in two separate occasions) and full use of his electronic sub par replacement, and only shower every other day… OK, I sometimes skip two days.

Aside from the mundane, this time around it was harder to adjust, but why? Even though my husband is in the United States and in no military-related danger, he has been working from 5am ‘til 10pm most days. His training is extremely mentally-draining. It was hard for me to understand that; I keep forgetting that he is not superhuman… it is his fault though, he should stop acting like one most of the time. When he mentioned that this was as difficult to him as going through BUD/S was (BUD/S - Basic Underwater Demolition/Seal a.k.a. Hell on Earth), it is when it truly hit me. Man, was I a baby during the second month?! I seemed to be missing half of my brain and I needed his feedback on everything. I was driving us both crazy. Out of all the things I would ask him his feedback or direction on, I already knew what he was going to say and I already knew how to get the task done. Introspection is a bitch sometimes (sorry for the language).

Now why was I not a baby during the first or the third month of his non-deployment deployment? Not that I am an expert, but based on my experience during his first long trip (4 months), last year’s deployment (7 months), and his current training (3 months, one more to go), the first month is mostly dedicated to showing the world (yeah) that I am strong enough to deal with this. As childish as it sounds, I do think that is the case. I usually have about a 70% assurance that he will be going on a long trip by a certain month – a month prior. Therefore, I place it on my mind and begin to prepare for it emotionally and also mentally, by making sure his to-do list matches mine amongst other things. Now when he leaves, I am all motivated to show him how much of an amazing wife I am, and how lucky he is to have found me.

A month later – so what happened to the line of his to-do list to make sure that all the vehicles were prepared in case of an emergency? Was “putting more than a quarter of gas per car” not part of his idea of what “preparing a car in case of an emergency” is? So of course, after turning on the vehicles every other week to make sure that the batteries won’t drain, I accidentally (just humor me) ran out of gas. I forgot about it for a few weeks, then something big happened and I needed to move one of the cars. Here is how it went:

- Looking for a gas can in our humongous garage (texted him inquiring the whereabouts of said gas can)

- Didn’t know how to open the mouth of the can – child proof (texted him for instruction)

- The tip of the gas can funnel was too big for the car’s fuel opening (texted him for possible troubleshooting)

- The battery drained after two weeks of sitting (texted him to ask for the location of the jump cables)

- Jumped it and promptly freaked out when I realized I had to drive it to the gas station to add more gas before it would ran out again – I don’t know how to drive manual transmissions (texted him to complain about this being such a pain the ass)

- Miraculously arrived to the gas station without stalling or rolling back a hill (no text!)

- After leaving it running for a while and looking creepy for idling there for a long time, I turned it off and put some gas – it kept clicking after only 5 gallons (texted to communicate my baffling finding)

- Car was not turning on, waited for friend while telling the guy next to me about my car troubles (no text)

- Almost died, when the guy I was talking to for a few minutes, left the gas pump in his car and drove away with it (texted to communicate my near death experience)

- Jumped it, idled for a while and drove home without stalling. Parked it almost where I was supposed to park it at (texted to ask whether it is possible to push it back when in neutral. Yeah, this is how ridiculous I was)

- Tried to turn it back on just to check on the battery and nothing (texted husband to ask him what the problem could be, and to give him my theory that the new battery is most probably not the problem, but the alternator - 'cause I am suddenly a mechanic)

I am ready to slap myself as I am writing this! I can't subject anyone to this any longer, so long story short, after he told me to "Stop acting dumb and to be my independent and smart self" I snapped out of it and month three and the begging of month four have been nagging-free. Yay!

This might be just happening to me, not necessarily a military wife thing, but now that I see a pattern, I do need to work on eliminating it, or at least protecting him from the frightening second month.