I must say that I don't normally listen to hip hop or rap, I actually rarely do unless it is Eazy-E's "Boyz in da Hood" or some old West Side Connection songs. Nevertheless, I heard that Eminem and Rihanna came out with a new song about domestic violence. My first reaction was that it was going to be something cheesy, but since Eminem is known for writing very well when it comes to serious personal matters, I thought I should watch the video. I cried.
Before I met and married my husband, I had been in a long term relationship that started just when I was 16 years old. Even though he never punched me, he did kick me once...one of the many reasons why I finally left him right after. He used to push me around all the time, grab me so hard that he would leave me marks, and there was no limit to the emotional abuse. What made me think of this more was the chorus of the song "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's alright because I like the way it hurts... I love the way you lie" and as much as I did not wanted to be mistreated by him I chose to stay because anything, even if it was violence or emotional abuse, was better than not having him around. There were moments in which I felt better when he would mistreat me rather than when he would just plain ignore me. I was also in complete disbelief of the reality, I kept telling myself that it was just temporary, that it was OK to wait it out because that was not really him, or it was just because he was so young. I brainwashed myself so many times. I used to believe all of his lies. It is crazy that I was ever in such a self-destructive state of mind, in such a destructive relationship. It is because of this that I now have no tolerance for excuses, for anyone thinking that it is going to pass, that they'll get over it. At the same time I do have to realize that if someone like me was prey to such a horrible situation for many years, who am I to pass judgment on those that are currently victims of domestic violence? It is hard to open other people's eyes to something that I myself intentionally closed my eyes to for so long.
About the video and song, I guess some critics say that it places responsibility on the victim which takes away from the wrongness of the assailant. I disagree. I was responsible in a way too, not just in allowing it to happen, but also in joining in sometimes. I pushed him and threw things at him the time I found out he had been cheating on me for a while.
I had not thought about all of that mess since I left him, well maybe a few times, but I shouldn't really forget them because they did happen and they happened to me. I was so unhappy; I should not forget how much it hurt me. I've never told anyone in detail of the awful fights we used to have, the things he used to say to me, of how much I cried, how I used to daydream thinking that "it" cannot be it, that there must be more to love... and then the loneliness. The reason why I don't want to forget is so that I stay sensitive towards other people, so that I can understand that bad things happen to anyone even strong people like me. I don't want to forget how much stronger I am now and that even though I wasn't strong enough to leave him for so long, I did become stronger in the midst of all that misery and ended up leaving him. I shouldn't forget that I honestly believed that my dreams could come true; that I deserved better. I believed it and that gave me more reasons to end it. Hanging on to those dreams and experience also helped me in not settling with average, with "OK" relationships. Instead, it pushed me to keep going, to be happy alone and to not expect anything less than the best for me and from my future husband.
Those dreams came true.
